Adoption Love, Finding Your Identity

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We are born into a family with a mother, father, typically siblings, and an arsenal of extended family.  We grow up knowing exactly where we come from, knowing who created us, who created our parents, and their parents.  Most of us are fortunate to know our roots, who we look like, whose mannerisms we mirror, and we are able to identify with an array of other similarities.

For a moment imagine growing up thinking you know who your biological parents are.  You believe the folks you live with are the two people who created you.  Knowing that your mother carried you in her womb and your father is the person who fertilized her egg to create you.  Then in a split second that changes.  One day through snooping in your parent’s possessions, as children do, you discover paperwork which illustrates what you’ve grown to know is not the case at all.  You learn that your mother is in fact, your mother but not your biological mother and your father is not your biological father.  They did not create you in your mother’s womb.  You were adopted!  

Learning these facts at a young age or at any age for that matter can be devastating.   I can only imagine the devastation these details bring and how it can shake your world for years to come and will ultimately shape the adult you grow to be.  That devastation is compounded with the notion that in our society adoption is still pretty much still a hush-hush topic not to be discussed under any circumstances.

Just the thought of this brings pain. Pain because you stumbled upon these facts and could not bring what you’ve learned to the forefront to get needed and necessary details regarding your origin, your biological parents, and your extended family. The pain can overwhelm you.  Maybe not overwhelmed on a regular basis but when you apply thought to these facts the overwhelming feelings are thrust to the forefront.  Many hide the fact that they are adopted keeping a secret for years suffering internally.  While suffering you imagine what your biological family will be like, look like, and who you will resemble.   You may conjure up the story you want to unfold and then push forward and begin the process of looking for your biological connections. The process is not an easy one.  Most are torn between the feelings of the family that raised them and how looking for their biological family will affect the only family they’ve known and the innate desire to know more of themselves.  Struggling with the notion that looking for your biological will be viewed as disrespectful?  The process of searching for your biological connection is not for the weak or weary.

Initially, I struggled with why I wanted to write about adoption and what could I, I who was not adopted possibly say or offer those who are.  I now know exactly why.  I am watching this story unfold in real life. The story moves me, frustrates me, infuriates me, angers me, brings joy, and peace all at once.  I am emotionally led to writing about it.  I am sure there are many others on the same journey.  There is not enough written about the process and the hardcore realities regarding adoption and finding your biological family.  The reality shows that present the narrative is everything but reality.  As I watch my dear friend go through, I share her sorrow and her joy. I watched her build a bond with another who is her biological sister and this warms my heart.  The biological mother she discovered broke my heart and immediately restored my heart as I was thankful, she placed my friend for adoption as I truly believe she was spared from a life she will never have to live or know. God’s divine intervention. Then there is the selfish part she is embedded in my life; she is my sister blood or no blood. Love her always and forever.

My suggestion to anyone else going through this journey or planning to go through is to keep an open mind.  Prior to starting your search do a little soul searching first and find out exactly what it is you are searching for.  If it’s identity, a connection, find siblings, or gain an understanding of why you were given up in the first place, I implore you to keep an open mind. Do not judge their decision as their decision may have very well been your blessing. Keep an open mind because what you discover may not be the story you have conjured up in your head. Trust the process and allow time to process all that you will learn.  It’s OK to slow the process down if it becomes too much.   Along your journey, you may discover several siblings they may have been given up as well or your biological mother may have decided to keep some of your siblings. That truly has no reflection on you and your worth.  Keep the new biological family at a comfortable distance until you are sure of everyone’s intentions including your own. Forgive your biological mother and father as you will never understand the situation they were in at the time.  Her life may have been in disarray or turmoil and at the time she felt the only way to survive for you and her was to opt for adoption.

Happy searching. God bless your journey. May you find what you need! 


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